#9 – Emela-Ntouka, The Killer of Elephants

Cryptid-wise, Africa gets all the cool stuff. While over here we make do with loch monsters whose one trick is to pop their head up above the water once in a blue moon, presumably expecting a fucking ticker-tape parade for it like the diva bitches they are, the Congo gets the Emela-Ntouka. But Nessie’s still cool, right? NO ONE CARES, NESSIE. What’s the last cool thing you did? Oh, you surfaced for a bit? Maybe bobbed along in the water in front of some drunk Scottish tourist board employee who definitely didn’t just stick a bath toy in the water before filming it with his shitty camcorder? WHATEVER, Nessie. When’s the last time you killed a fucking elephant? Oh, there are no elephants in Scotland? Whatever, you whiney pussy.

Like. A. Boss.

Like. A. Boss.

Meet the Emela-Ntouka, which is Lingala for “killer of the elephants”. Said to inhabit the swamps and rivers of the Likuoala region of the Congo, the Emela-Ntouka isn’t a carnivore but is nevertheless greatly feared by the native pygmies for its tendency to absolutely and categorically lose its shit when you’re dumb enough to stumble into its territory. Wander into the home of the ‘water elephant’, as it’s also known, and the beast will go full on Christian Bale on your ass – with added gruesome evisceration and minus distracting eye-wart.

Try not noticing *that* next time you're watching The Dark Knight.

Try not noticing that next time you’re watching The Dark Knight.

At least semi-aquatic and supported by an enormous crocodile-like tail and four squat legs, the Emela-Ntouka spends much of its time grazing and chewing its way through the vegetation of the swamp, with the water supporting its enormous bulk. When disturbed it’s been reported to use its enormous ivory face-boner to disembowel everything from water buffalo to hippos and even elephants.

The animal was first described in 1954 by Lucien Blancou, who was at the time the senior game inspector in the Likouala region. He not only described it in detail but also claimed natives had killed one of them in the area sometime around 1934. Sadly the carcass was never examined or photographed; subsequent encounters and attempts to track the beast have yielded enormous three-toed footprints and describe its characteristic snorting bellow.

Described as being anything between the size of a water buffalo and small elephant, the Emela-Ntouka would certainly be the largest animal for decades yet to be described by science. There are a couple of theories for its possible origin, including the thoroughly worrying one that it’s a surviving ceratopsian like the monoclonius:

Bitch, I eat globe-killing meteor strikes for breakfast.

Bitch, I eat globe-killing meteor strikes for breakfast.

More conservative cryptozoologists suggest the Killer of the Elephants could be an as-yet undiscovered type of rhinoceros, one that’s distinctly more aquatic than its scientifically identified cousins. Only one thing’s for certain, mind – go messing about in the swamps of the Congo without paying enough attention, and you’re likely to get the horn in a manner that you’re most uncomfortable with.

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